Hello Darkness My Old Friend
by garganta
Summary: When everyone you know throws all your flaws so casually in your face it may just be easier to be alone and dead inside. Life hurts less that way. Post Litchfield, Post Season 3


Two years had passed since Piper Chapman was released from Litchfield. She remembered those days every day and she remembered the things she did every day. Not a moment passed when her sentence didn't haunt her thoughts. Prison changed her. She wasn't the nice, blonde lady from the good neighborhood anymore. Her parents hadn't talked to her in ages, she didn't have any contact to Polly and Larry since they asked for her blessing.

She hadn't spoken to Alex since shortly after the brunette got attacked by Kubra's assassin.

That day was a shock back into reality for her and the day that finally, ultimately broke her.

She tried hard, really hard, to be cold, to be free of guilt. What else was she to do? She tried to be nice and considerate of others feelings and it didn't work. She tried to be honest, to own up to her mistakes and that didn't work either. She got stomped over, she had to listen to the words other's used to discribe her.

 _"You are not a nice person."_

 _"You are a selfish little person."_

 _"You are a horrible person."_

 _"You are seriously fucked up."_

 _"You are such a manipulative cunt."_

 _"You ain't worthy of nobody's love."_

Every time someone said these things to her she felt something deep down give way. She tried to be good, she tried to do what she thought was the right thing to do. But it wasn't enough.

No matter what she did, it never was enough.

She felt dead inside.

She concealed her emotions so far away from the surface, she felt numb. Gone was the innocent and naïve Piper, gone was the doe-eyed blonde girl who could do no harm. If she was horrible even when she tried to be nice, then she would stop trying altogether.

Now, two years later, she was alone, in a rundown apartment in New York with a horrible tattoo on her arm covered scratches and cuts, made unrecognizable because she couldn't afford to have it removed professionally. She worked for a wage that was barely enough to pay for her rent and get some food at a cheap diner as a waitress. What was left over of her paycheck would be given away for cheap booze.

Piper Chapman hit rock bottom and she saw no way to climb out of it, she made no affort. She was alone and maybe this was what fate ultimately intended for her; a bad person's karma.

* * *

It was a cool day as Piper made her way to her job. She didn't sleep a lot anymore and just around three to four hours sufficed for her these days. She wasn't tired in a sleepy way but felt constantly, emotionally drained. Maybe it was the way it was supposed to be for her, so she never gave too much thought there.

In a twisted way she even found humor in that; she felt emotionally drained even when she hardly dealt with emotions anymore. She didn't feel joy or sadness or love or hate. It was all locked away and the key lost somewhere in space and time. It was better that way and still, their was a constant, lingering emotional tiredness that she could never shake.

She bought a bagel on her way to work, which would suffice until she would be on her way back home.

Arriving at the diner, she nodded in greeting to her coworkers with whom she didn't have the warmest relationship but ultimately she didn't have it with anyone anymore. The few guests that would come here didn't like her very much either because she hardly ever smiled, so they didn't giver her big tips. She was efficient though, so her boss didn't want to fire her.

She didn't care either way. It was a shit job that hardly paid her enough to pay for the leaky roof over her head and a few more dollard wouldn't make any difference.

Ultimately, the only thing good about working here was that it helped her to pass the days.

* * *

After not even an hour into her job she was already in her robotic routine. She went to the guests tables, asked what they wanted to eat and/or drink, wrote it all down, and so on. She did it all without seeing, without recognizing faces or voices. She just worked and collected meager tips, if she even got any.

After a while it was quiet, the diner empty. Piper sat down with a strong coffee, staring out into the street from a wide window, unseeing of the people passing by, going on with their lives.

She didn't think. She hardly ever thought of anything anymore, her mind a black hole that would swallow any sort of light that dared to flicker. She didn't think of the things that she was called anymore. They just repeated themselved at the oddest times in her mind, unconciously reminding the blonde of who and what she was.

She sipped at her coffee, letting the heat of the bitter beverage scald her mouth and throat as she swallowed it. The door to the diner opened and closed, the bell indicating the arrival of a guest. Piper was about to get up when someone sat accross from her.

"Fuck, Chapman, if this ain't a coincidence then I don't fucking know what is!"

She looked up and saw a beaming Nicky grin at her, so she sat back down.

 _"Get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute."_

"Nicky."

The bushy haired woman's grin fell slightly, but she leaned back against her chair. "Well, don't be to fucking happy to see me, 'cause I don't know what to with all that happiness."

Piper didn't say anything, just breathed out of her nose a bit noisily as she sipped at her coffe.

Nicky coughed at the awkwardness but continued to try and engage the blonde in a conversation anyways. "So, how's it going? You doing alright?"

The blonde shrugged. "I wake up, go to work, get home, get drunk, sleep and repeat." She held her impassive look at Nicky's slightly raised eyebrows before she continued. "Nothing exciting. How about you?"

She didn't particularly care but hoped that it would distract Nicky enough to stop asking questions about her.

"Meh, it's a'ight. Max really knocked some sense into me, I gotta admit. My mom organized a good enough job for me and really, I could eat fancier food but sometimes you just have the urge for cheap burgers an' shit, am I right?"

Nodding in silent agreement, she finished her cup of coffee and got up. "What do you want to drink and eat?"

Nicky started to frown. "Chapman, are you really alright?"

The blonde nodded once. "Yes, now please tell me what you want to order before my boss get's pissed."

"Yeah, a cheeseburger with french fries on the side and a beer, but honestly, you don't seem at all like the Chapman we all kinda liked, you know."

Piper was about to get the order into the kitchen but turned slowly around as she felt something inside her snap at those words.

 _"Get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute."_

 _"You are not a nice person."_

 _"You are a selfish little person."_

 _"You are a horrible person."_

 _"You are seriously fucked up."_

 _"You are such a manipulative cunt."_

 _"You ain't worthy of nobody's love."_

She looked Nicky in the eyes for what felt like a minute before she turned back around to take the order to the kitchen, leaving Nicky stare back at her with an uneasy feeling in her gut.

* * *

Piper was on her way home, the conversation with Nicky repeating itself over and over in her head. She forced herself to repress the anger she felt at Nicky's lies, numbing her feelings down again.

Passing by a liquor store she bought a huge bottle of cheap vodka and some cheap chinese takeaway food before continuing her way home.

It was an odd thing, the repeatetiveness of her life, which brought her no sense of comfort or boredom whatsoever.

A few years back with Alex she would have scoffed at such a life when she knew hours before what she would do late on. With Larry though, it was comforting. Now, she had neither and felt neither. It was just what it was.

Unlocking the door to her apartment she entered, placed bottle and food on her table and stripped out of her working clothes. She sat down on her sofa in her underwear and grabbed the bottle, twisting the cap off and took a couple sips, wincing at the stinging sensation the cheap alcohol left in her throat.

She took another sip and another and it didn't take long for her head to swim, for her mind to become louder and louder.

The rage from before reappeared and before she knew what happened the bottle flew accross her small living room and landed in her tv. She went to the kitchen, took a knife and stabbed hole after hole in her sofa until she got tired.

Her arm was shaking and the knife fell down on the floor. She sat down on her ruined sofa, her food all but forgotten, and started to sob. Her wails were muffled by her own fist between her teeth but the pain in her chest was unbearable and she felt it filling the whole world as it suffocated her. She hated her life, she hated everyone she ever met, she hated her family, she hated Alex.

She hated herself.

* * *

Her phone's alarm woke her up as tired and hungover eyes fluttered open. The smell of her alcohol and chinese takeout filled the room and it made her dry heave. She got up and arched her stiff back. Looking around she took in the ruined tv and sofa and made a mental note to save money for new ones, before she took the knife and put it back in the kitchen drawer. As she went to the shower, she started to mentally prepare herself for another day ahead, dulling her emotions, locking them away in the far, far recesses of her mind. She had a small outburst yesterday night but it was good that she had it alone. She had emptied her baggage and had now new space to hide her feelings from the world and herself. Her mind felt more empty, more silent too after her talk with Nicky.

Piper Chapman was prepared for another day.

Her face impassive.

Her eyes cold and dead.

Her emotions numbed down and locked away.

Wake up, go to work, get home, get drunk, repeat.

The way it was supposed to be.

* * *

 **AN: Yaa, couldn't help myself. I listened to Simon &Garfunkel- Sound of Silence and just couldn't help myself but write this. I read a lot of interpretations of Piper's behaviour in S3 and now it makes sense but I just wish so so badly that those dumbass writers of OitNB wouldn't have fucked her Arc up so badly but whatevs, that's what fanfiction is for. Maybe I'll make a small universe out of this, in the concept similar to the YB-verse from Alanabloom, but way shorter, and far less epic and cool and amazing then what she could make. ****And btw, I wrote this whole thing on my phone, so there might be more mistakes then usually and you guys know by know how lazy I am when it comes to editing, so sorry, lol.**

 **Review pls and tell me what ya'll think.**


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